I have one semester left at Geneva College, i have 7 classes right now and might get A's in all seven of those classes. I have good friends, i know i have talents in a variety of areas: public speaking, music, acting, and relationships (to name a couple). I just got out of a play that i did 17 shows and i feel i did an adequate job, more then that i made friends with people of all ages that i feel should last a life time. I work at a church that is taking me on as an intern where i get to lead worship from the drum kit and speak once a month, i am 2 weeks away from the end of this semester and summer all together. And i have this horrible feeling boiling up inside of me.
I do not know how to explain it but i feel lost, overwhelmed, self-conscious.
All those things above scare me more then help my confidence... what if i do fail all those classes, what if my friends leave, what if i fail at all those things i am supposed to be good at, what if people from the play do start hating me, what if i graduate and take on a job and i am no good at the act of being a youth minister, i was looking at job openings today and was reading one in new castle and i got terrified thinking about the possibility of failure. My two friends are starting to plan their wedding (i wish the best to them) but that again terrifies me, 1. Will i ever find some one. 2. i am deathly afraid of marriage, because part of me believes if i get married ill get divorced. Fear, it is a funny thing, sometimes its rational, like when you are afraid of a large bear that is about to eat you whole, but it sometimes is irrational like when the stories of the Bogey man become all to clear in your head... I do not know which fear could accurately describe how i am feeling, but i will tell you this, i am afraid. Of what? of everything.
Maybe i won't succeed as a pastor, or a husband, or a friend, or a musician, or an actor, or a speaker, but i am confident that i can sufficiently love people, and so that's what i will do, that's all i feel sometimes i can do, so I'm going to love the hell out of people (take that as you will) and i know i am not perfect, i am a youth ministry major that is late to classes, probably lies in those classes in an attempt to get better grades, and might have a slight problem with swearing, but i guess that's what makes me human, i guess this whole fear thing makes me human too, which is all a bit crazy, but maybe.. just maybe... we are all a little bit crazy.
"The north Wind doth blow
and we shall have snow
and what will poor robin do then, poor thing
he'll sit in a barn
and keep him self warm
and cover his head with his wing." - Ester (Lily) - from Pocahontas.
and we shall have snow
and what will poor robin do then, poor thing
he'll sit in a barn
and keep him self warm
and cover his head with his wing." - Ester (Lily) - from Pocahontas.
enjoy,
Arod
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